newyorker:

Blurb Your Enthusiasm

Dear Novelist,

So you’d be honored if I blurbed your book? Me too! I can hardly wait to dive right in. However, due to the overwhelming number of requests I receive, I have instituted a new, comprehensive pricing system. Before proceeding, please consult this chart for reference.

…

Your title contains the words “America,” “Dream,” or “Love,” or a version of the construction “Blah and Other Blah-blahs.” (+$150)

The first word of your two-word title is a gerund. (+$75)

The word after the gerund in your two-word title is a proper noun masquerading as a regular noun, i.e. “Losing Ground,” a novel about a man named Peter Ground. (+$250)

Your novel is a retelling of another novel from the perspective of a minor character, a piece of furniture, or a magical being who did not appear in the original. (+$275)

Your bio contains a list of wacky jobs you’ve held and/or states that you “divide your time” between two cities, countries, or continents. (+$300)

The front matter of your book contains a family tree and/or a map. (+$200)

Your book is dedicated to a dead writer you never met. (+$350)

- Want Adam Mansbach, author of Go the Fuck to Sleep, to write a blurb for your book? Here’s how much it will cost you: http://nyr.kr/Ij1SdM

(via strandedstmarkscitylights)